Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Overheard in the Travel Section

I was in the travel section Borders bookstore the other day during work to get a book on St. Louis for U.S. Bank research. As I finally decided on the one pitiful book they had on St. Louis (I guess it's not a big travel destination) I headed toward the cashier. As I was leaving the travel area I overheard two middle aged women in the following conversation:

"Okay I just to get one more thing. I need one of those sex, trashy, Danielle steel romance novels-"

Normal so far....dialogue continues...

"for my mother, she's ninety-five and that's the only thing that keeps her goin'."

I think having a sex drive at ninety-five is a fate worse than death. By that time, you've probably outlived your spouse, or your spouse is so old that the machine probably doesn't work any more and even if it did, foreplay would be spent trying to figure out how to position yourselves so you don't break the other's hip. I guess all you could do is live vicariously though the characters of Danielle Steel and then bust out the vibrator you use for your arthritis.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Spanish Material Girl

Sometimes it can be very annoying when you are standing in a crowded place such as an elevator, the subway or even a train, and you hear music coming from the iPod ear buds of the person next to you. Such an experience happened to me the other day on my subway commute in the morning. Jam packed on the E train and in walks this big ghetto Spanish/Mexican guy. He's got the gold chains, the shaved head, Jesus tattoos, and some maybe an Echo t-shirt. I can hear muffled music coming out of the iPod buds and at first am quite pissed. Only until I can make out the song. Our Spanish friend was listening to Madonna Material Girl on his morning commute. How sweet.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Meatball Parm Wrap Please

I went to Subway yesterday for my signature turkey provolone on whole wheat bread when I noticed the order ahead of me. Meatballs and cheese on a wrap. Okay there are several things wrong with this. First of all the cardinal rule of any upstanding Italian is to never I repeat NEVER eat Italian food from a fast food establishment. I was barely allowed to eat sauce from a jar let alone Italian food from a restaurant that didn't end in a vowel. So I watched as this guy wrapped up a meatball...I guess would you call it parmigiano...? wrap and thought somewhere one of my Italian relatives is turning in their grave.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Nose Dripping Heroine

The scene is twenty-something year old girl sits on the 23rd St. crosstown bus battling a serve cold involving nose blowing that sounds like a fog horn and a deep phlemy cough.

Cue: The most gorgeous guy New York City has ever seen walks onto the 23rd St. crosstown bus at 3rd Ave. and sits directly across from our sickly heroine.

Girl tries with all that's left in her to refrain from releasing the fog horn. Finally gorgeous guy gets off the bus at 7th Ave., 4 avenues later which seems like an eternity for our nose dripping dame.

Once gorgeous guy's foot has been released from the final step on the bus girl clutches her bag for her last remaining tissue.

Ease and comfort has finally been bestowed upon our heroine, and she continues to ride the bus to 9th ave.

End scene.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Viva Las Vegas!!

So my much too short trip to Las Vegas included the following hi-lites!

~Playing my first game of Black Jack! Of course not winning anything but still it was a milestone.

~Seeing the boys of American Storm show me their rear ends from the front row! They were sooo hottt, but sadly no frontals. Not sure if I'd really want to see that anyways. It was a great show but its funny how they grab the ugliest women in the audience to do on stage "demonstrations." Twice, they grabbed this one toothless hick of a woman wearing those light blue shorts that come up just above your beer gut. I wonder what the rationale behind that is.

~Going to the Michael Buble concert!!! I'm in love all over again.

~Went to the hott new night club Pure at Ceasar's Palace and saw Lindsey Lohan. She seemed pretty sober. The Pussycat Dolls performed and they are AMAZING. I might quit my job and train to become one of the dolls. It was incredible the amount of Asian and Indians at this place. Maybe b/c the boys had to wait in a separate line that was twice the size of the girl's line. American boys don't have the patience for things like that I guess.

Overall a fabulous trip. I'd go back once I have a lot more disposable money to spend.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Girl Walks into a Bar

Girl walks into a bar, another girl walks up to her and says, "Can I buy you a fish sandwich?".....that's all I got.

-Tales from the weirdos at Jersey Shore

That's almost as bad as the guy at Jenkinsens who said my friend's bag looked like a picnic basket and asked if she had any chicken in there.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Harry Potter in the Betsy Johnson

I'm walking down 23rd street on the way to the NRW to get to Brooklyn for my cousin's graduation party. I have on my just-above-the-knee white Italian skirt, with the brown knit off the shoulder sweater and a tight laced v-neck sleeveless lace top with the high-heeled Carlos Santanna shoes. Dressed to kill of course I'm getting cooed at, looks from the street workers, and cat called as sleazy old men pass me on the opposite side. I laugh at myself because I wonder what they would think if they knew I had book 5 of Harry Potter tucked away in my leopard print Betsy Johnson bag for some subway reading. 17 more days!!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Ex-boyfriend Milestone

Nothing like Facebook to send you a message (and an obnoxious picture) loud and proud that your ex-boyfriend, your first love, is announcing his new relationship. A milestone all females are slapped in the face with. How does one deal? Take the mature route. Stalk her pictures and convince yourself that you are sooo much prettier and have so much more going for you in life. Remove his name from your AOL buddy list and facebook and then go out and get drunk, puke him out of your system and then move on. :)

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Cast your Vote!

Ok, so finding a home for Paris is not as easy as I thought. I have 4 potential people who would be great pet owners. Help me choose!

Shelia-
  • Lives in PA with a decent size yard in a residential neighborhood
  • Between her, her husband and her 14 year old daughter someone is always home
  • They have a cat who thinks he's a dog (From my knowledge Paris has never seen a cat)
  • They have a lot of friends who have dogs so he's have a lot of playmates
  • They are big in to softball and want to be their team mascot
  • She had a Boston terrier for 15 years and the vet said they took excellent care of it, and did all they could for him

Tricia-

  • Lives in a nice residential town in CT with a nice yard
  • Looking for a playmate for her English bulldog
  • She works night shifts so is home during the day
  • Lives alone
  • Her and her ex-fiance had two dogs together a bull mastiff and the English bull dog but he kept the bull mastiff


Mike-

  • Goes to Cornell veterinary school
  • Lives in Ithica during the school year with I think 5 guy roommates (all vet students), one has a golden retriever and the other has 2 cats
  • In the summer he lives with his family in NJ who has a retriever puppy

Alex

  • Lives on the upper east side in a studio apt.
  • Has never had a dog but is anxiously looking for one.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

I Fell in Love with a Parisian

His name was Paris.

I was volunteering that the Brooklyn Animal Foster Network two Saturdays ago and was paired with this hunk of a dog. After spending the day with him I found he was a big mush and loved to give kisses. The way it works, if the dogs and cats we take from the pound that day don't get fostered or adopted they go back to the pound and ultimately destroyed. All the animals were taken care of that day except Paris. So off we went to my little studio apartment in Chelsea. I had intentions of adopting him, but a dog of this size really is a lot of responsibility. Luckily I found a great home for him.

Week in review:
-He was very well behaved only chewed my iPod headphone, when he puked it up later saw the black little foam thing, looked like an olive.


-He LOVED the dog park. All the dogs loved him, even this little pug tried to hump him. A little French Bull dog had a tug of war match with him. He also was like a mediator, when other dogs were barking at each other he'd go over and check out the action, they would then disperse at his massive presence.

-I've never been so face to face with dog shit in my entire life!

-People LOVED him, kept asking what breed, where I got him

-He loved to sit on my feet while we were waiting for the elevator, and will always pee on garbage bags


-He loved toys that he could rip apart. I gave him my Muppet Animal doll and he ripped the head off, and I got him a stuffed monkey, the tail went first and the head was just a few stitches away.

-He ate sticks like a real dog!

-He snored like a drunk hook-up

-He cuddled like a boyfriend

What a great friend, I'll miss him but I trust everything worked out as planned. An omen was when the man who wanted to adopt him was named Romeo, which was the name of my very first dog.


Friday, April 27, 2007

A Young Girl's Coming of Age Story-"Can I get your number?"

So the days of the number exchange have changed. I think I can remember when we still scrounged around for a piece of paper, or scribbled it on our homework assignment pad. Before the days of cell phones. Today you just whip that thing out and boom you're in. (HAHA I remember this one time when I was promoting for Budweiser this guy made me put his number in my phone, I titled it "Don't answer"). So at the pure age of 19 when a 32-year-old man hands you his business card what do you do?! What does that mean?! Is it like your ticket into the land of grown-ups, of mature men (well maybe who think they're mature). Or, are you grossed out that he's 32, he knows your 19, you're at a college bar and intoxicated. I thought business cards were reserved for like meeting in the elevator, or on the street or subway, a sober exchange of the contact information. Not sure my thoughts on the situation. From an "old wise" age of 23 looking back on it, he's probably just trying to impress and get some ass. I also don't really like the idea of him waving his responsibility of making the first call, by giving you his number. If I was 19 I might have thought it was cool/flattering but probably would have left the card on the bar and filed the story away. Either way, a coming of age story when a man hands you his business card.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Bachelor in a Grass skirt

Another loss for me this weekend. I was out after Lindsey's "Passion Party" (yea you know!)all in the mood for some passion. We go to this place and there is a Hawaiian Bachelor party going on PERFECT! Until the guy who is getting married decides I'm real cute and grabs me and starts grinding with me. All his friends think its great! In my head I'm like "YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED...STOP WASTING MY TIME!" So we had guy with girlfriend, guy who's getting married, whats next a Mormon?

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Allison 0 New York 1

I was out last night and spotted a cute guy across the bar, sounded like he had a little accent of sorts. As he became more intoxicated he began testing the waters until he finally came over and started talking to my friends and I. Holy cow what a weird-O! A 32-year-old Scottish guy who managed to give us a history lesson on the US constitution, Alexander Hamilton, the rights of this country told us how he loves *ussy, but made a minor reference to possibly being gay, and expressed his anger about certain historical figures by calling them cunts. So the score goes for Allison meeting guys in NY: Allison 0: Crazy/unsuccessful attempts by the fine offerings of NYC 1

Monday, April 9, 2007

It's like meeting the man of your dreams...and then meeting his beautiful wife.

Isn't it ironic. A gorgeous guy sat down next to me at a Jersey bar (Leggets whohooo!) this weekend. Big, buff, blond guy, 30 (perfect age!), state trooper(ok we can deal with that), he even had a little wing man, he seemed really interested in me and I in him until he goes, "Oh Allison, this is my girlfriend Ashley." Whatttt!?! I then try to casually turn my head in search of new prospects but he keeps talking to me! Ashley seems totally cool about her boyfriend talking to other girls, me, I'm quite perplexed. This guy was legitimately flirting. So I came to 3 possible explanations 1.) The two are not monogamous (she even looked a little gay) 2.) He was trying to get someone for his little wing man 3.) They were looking for a three-some.

Friday, April 6, 2007

I was that kid...



I had Julia and Amanda over the other night to paint Easter Eggs! It was a cheap fun alternative for entertainment. While doing this child-like project different personalities arose in each of us. Were you the kid that sat back and watched what everyone else did first, then came out with the best ideas in the end? Were you the 'did your own thing proud of your work but still admired everyone elses' or...the one who dried up all the markers tried to mix 3 different colors, ripped your cheap writing paper from erasing so much and put too much glue on everything!

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Homeless man denies Special K bar

My friend Amanda told me this story last night, I had to put it in!


So the other day I was on the subway on my way to work, headphones on, reading the trashy tabloid, etc. and one of those homeless subway beggars gets on our car and starts into his "i'm homeless, give me money/food. anything" speech. So as he walks by I take out a special k bar from my bag, I would rather give them food than money because you know they will actually use the food for something postive. And he looks at me and says "oh i'm sorry i have sugar diabetes i can't have that" and I thought to myself "well I guess beggars can be choosers..."

Only me...

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Malibu!

So I did get discovered by a Hollywood Producer!...just not one that wants to put me in films. I kinda reminded him of this girl he used to date from Bensonhurst, Brooklyn.

Malibu was great hi-lites included:
-Reuniting with my cousin Betsy!
-Watching the newly released PeterPan while eating Chinease food
-Going to the set of LL Cool-jays new pilot (where I met the prouder)
-Visiting the Hollywood history musume and seeing all the Moulin Rouge stuff...and then eating curly fries and a rootbeer float at Mel's Drive-In
-Renting a Mustang Convertible and driving along the Pacific Coast hi-way
-Visiting the lovely Alison Eakle!

Friday, March 23, 2007

Men are like shoes

If Carrie Bradshaw has not already made this comparison, I am. First of all I don't understand how woman can have a shoe fetish, I HATE shoe shopping. And I compare it to dating...You're all excited at first, you look out and see a bunch of worthy prospects. Some are really cute, some sophisticated, dark ones light ones and so on. Then you move to the next step. You go up to the shoe and start to get to know it. You look for your size only to find a.) they don't have it or b.) once you try it on its hideous, an awful fit. You start to get agitated, move on, try another one, same thing happens, finally you settle just because you need new shoes. Then you'll either wear the shit outta them and throw 'em out the next season, or leave them in your closet with the rest of the impulse buys. Oh the joy of being a woman.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Personal NY Moment

Last night I went to see my friend James Maddock's band play. He's this really endearing 40 somthing, british guy with this cute smile...ANYWY (you all know i have a thing for older guys but that would just be a little much, mom and dad would love that one, they thought Colorado was bad hahah) I was there with Colleen but she had business to take care of then went back to Long Island. So I sat there with my half drunken Amstel Light $3 special with the seedy cocktail waitress bothering me for another every now and then. I put my feet up and back against the exposed brink and just took in the music. He's fabulous, he has great lyrics and a great sound. Kinda reminds me of a Phil Collins wraspy throaty sound. It was great, i didn't care that i was alone or had no one to enjoy it with, I just did something for myself. When it was over I got myself into a cab and went home. It was a very NY moment as I walked the street of downtown, exploring this new area with an overflowing sense of satisfaction. My favorite lyrics were, "don't go on without me, lets go on together, don't get lost without me, lets get lost together."

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Oldies but goodies

Here are some of my past favorites:

The one about my trainer drinking from my water bottle...
So yesterday at the gym when my hott trainer accidentally took a sip out of my water bottle my head shot into a fantasy about how its kinda like us indirectly kissing...okay very indirectly kissing. I rode with this fantasy until while on the stretching table one of is other clients asked how it was living with his new girlfriend. Suddenly I felt like my head was a balloon that someone just let the air out of and now was flying all over the room.

Banana on the seat...
It's amazing what people will do to make sure that no one sits next to them on the bus. Some put their brief cases, or oversized pocketbooks, today i saw a man put a banana on the seat next to him, yes thats right a banana. "Excuse me sir could you move your banana so i can sit in that seat?"

Pit bull peeing...
There is something cute about a man asking his pit bull if he would like to pee. "You wanna pee Blade, c'mon Bladdey go pee."

Cop on horse...
So what level would you say a cop on a horse is in terms of tourist attraction? B/c i saw the cop on the horse and was like oh thats cool, but then when i walked by the nyc bus tour stop all the tourists went nuts! takin pictures and stuff, so i said to myself, should I not have gotten as excited as i did? In my quest for becoming a metro city girl that might have been a step in the wrong direction.

Clothes need an age limit
So I went shopping for some new fall clothes this weekend and I surprisingly found a lot of good stuff in Wet Seal. For anyone who knows what that store is, it's probably for girls age 13-17. But the prices were good and I found some decent clothes. However, when i got home and reviewed my buys I thought twice about the black leggings with the little cherries on them. I think clothes and fashion should have an age appropriate level, like toys. "Not appropriate for women over 22!" Maybe i'm just destined to one of those middle aged women that still shop in the teenage girl stores.

The fart...
So I was pretty sure my walk down 8th Ave. was going to be normal today, until I get ready to cross the street to my building when a i'd say 48 year old man decides to fart, it was loud and proud, and i just plastered that NY-i-don't-give-a-shit look on my face.

Dog poo in the middle of the street...
As I was walking down 9th Ave. today crossing 47th street i noticed right in the dead center of the street was a pile of dog poo. This site provoked many questions in my head. For one, what dog has that much time to do his business in the middle of a NYC street and why would his owner allow this? For those of you that know dogs, they usually go to the bathroom in the same spot all the time. The owner is gonna have to stop traffic so the dog can do his thing in the middle of the street! I can just picture some guy holding his hand out to traffic, "Hold on, sorry my dog just has to poo here, it's his favorite spot."

I'm a latte...
So on my way home last night on the corner of 9th and 47th I believe in front of the Starbucks, a black man called out to me "mmmmmmmmmm thats a fine lattee." I thought 1) how funny a little white girl is now called a lattee and 2) i'm now getting themed cat calls. So like now maybe if I walk infront of the fruit and vegetable market the guy stocking the veggies will say, "now thats one hot potato!"

The boxer...
Today I saw a big black man walking down 8th Ave. in spandex biker shorts, an American Flag bandana with big red boxing gloves on. He proclaimed that the doctor was in as he punched his way down the street. I love NY.

City Rats
I'll admit while I'm waiting for the subway train to come I really hope to see some rats just to entertain myself while the time goes by. I was waiting for the R train to arrive in Brooklyn the other day in hopes of seeing some Brooklyn rats. Then I thought I wonder if the rats in different areas of the city reflect the people that live in those areas. Like are the rats in Chelsea and the Village gay? What about those midtown rats are they broadway divas or the 5th ave fashionistas? I bet the male rats have no personality...they are just rats looking for their next meal and their next hump.

My first time!

Hello to all my avid away message readers! My friend Colleen has been bugging me to create a blog so these words of mine will be forever archived on the internet. I never thought these random thoughts would become so popular and I am very happy to provide to all you procrastinators and those searching to be relieved from your boredom. Please feel free to post your thoughts and reviews!